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What I have written here describes the journey, not the destination. I can't say that I have worked everything out in neat, clean, theologically correct packages. Much of what I live with remains for me the struggle to seek understanding of what I believe and experience.
Beginning our journey
I met my wife, Fenella, in London England as I was moving back home to Canada from some 6 years in Australia. Over the next 7 years or so, we 'dated', over thousands of miles, and God alone knows how many trans-Atlantic telephone calls. Our only time together was on holidays. During those times we usually went to Roman Catholic churches when in Canada, and a mixture of Anglican and Catholic in England. But, even though I went to her church, I also went to the nearest Catholic church as well.
I made a point of not receiving communion in Fenella's church. I could not bring myself to do so, on a number of grounds. First, my church said I was not permitted to do so. Secondly, my church had said I could not invite her to come and receive. If I could not invite her to receive in my church, how could I then go to hers and receive? I felt that would be an insult to her and her faith, as well as her church. I would in effect be saying that ours was too great for her, but hers was not too great for me. Thirdly, I could not bypass the struggle to understand unity between the churches by simply choosing to receive. Rather, I had to live that pain, allow it to become part of me, and of Fenella, and allow God to work with it. Fenella did not understand the matter the way I did but, thank God, respected me in it, and allowed my struggles to impinge fully on her. And so, we did not share the eucharist, and continued to live that division. That, for both of us, was a very difficult thing to do, but, I felt I could not do otherwise.
Taking a closer look
Something began to happen, however. As we discussed our faith experiences, what we believed, what we lived, how we expressed in liturgy what we believed, we found ourselves being challenged and called to grow. I began to look very closely at what was happening in the liturgies in her church, and in the life outside those liturgies. As well, I began to listen very closely to the words of the liturgies. I found there so very often that the Anglican Church, with its centuries of experience in celebrating in the English language, was using forms of words which for me were much stronger, much more to the point and expressive of the reality, than were those of my Church. For example, we say 'Do this in memory of me', something which for me is quite passive. The Anglican communion says 'Do this as a remembrance of me', which for me is much more active, more forceful, and more true to the reality of God's remembering.
There were other things as well: the Anglican involvement of laity; their focus on Scripture not as something remote, to be read on Sundays, but something alive, a meeting place with a living and personal God; and times of shared prayer outside the eucharistic celebrations. These things really began to speak to me. I began to see that there was a true lived faith there that recognized and proclaimed the reality of the Body of Christ not just in the eucharist, but through all of life. And, eventually I came to the point of saying, with all honesty, that I recognized the Body of Christ present in those liturgies.
My church still said I could not receive. I began to recognize, however, that this was because my church could not yet say it recognized the Body of Christ present there. And so, I had to make a decision.
I could not receive lightly, dismissive of the regulations of the church. To do so would be an insult, both to my own and to Fenella's church, but above all to Christ himself. But equally, I could also not deny the reality I experienced.
A personal decision
I respect my church's inability to say "yes" to the Anglican communion. As a formal church body, it has a grave responsibility to the Body of Christ, and must not make such a decision lightly. That decision can and must come only through the struggle of deep reflection on the reality of the Body.
As an individual Roman Catholic, however, I have come to recognize the reality of the Body of Christ in the Anglican eucharistic celebration. And so I have now decided, as an individual before God, to receive in an Anglican Church whenever we are together at the Eucharist there.
This has clearly not come easily for me as a 'faithful son' of the Church of Rome. I suspect my struggle, and Fenella's with me, is a small reflection of what the two Churches go through together in their dialogue and discussion. I now pray that my Church may come to the point where it, too, can say, along with many of its members, AMEN to the reality of the eucharistic presence in the Anglican Communion.
We struggle on together
We don't know where this journey will lead. We struggle to live in our marriage a true sacrament of unity, not just between ourselves in social areas but in that core area of our hearts, our walk with Christ. This, as you know, is very difficult to do when in so many ways my Church does not see (whether by default or by choice) and celebrate the reality of faith which my spouse, with whom I am sacramentally united, lives every day of her life.
I read recently that some 37% of the marriages in our Roman Catholic Canadian diocese today are inter-church marriages. Undoubtedly, that reality will eventually begin to have an impact on the authorities in the Church, as they slowly become aware of the struggle which such a substantial portion of the faithful live. And our struggle to live, to grow, to discern the direction of God's call, and to then have the courage to move in that direction, will become theirs as well.
I find it so very difficult to wait patiently for this process to unfold. Meanwhile, I continue on my journey, dialoguing with others, including my bishop who while disagreeing with me is responding graciously to his call to respect my decision. I pray that in the end the truth may emerge, and either that I will come to realize I am mistaken, or the church may yet discover some understanding of the eucharistic mystery which will enable it to say AMEN to the Anglican priesthood and communion; but even more I pray that all Christians may come to recognize the reality and unity of the Body of Christ.
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