On November 1st 1975 John and Margaret were married at St Patrick’s Roman Catholic church. John, then a lapsed Anglican, and his family watched as Margaret, her family and friends took communion at the nuptial mass. It was something Margaret wanted and John did not wish to start the marriage on a note of selfishness.
24 years on much had changed. In the 1980’s, with two small children, John resumed activity in the Anglican church, becoming a PCC member and assisting at communion. With the help and support of the Association of Interchurch Families, John and Margaret worked hard to bring up their children to respect and understand their different traditions. Mass and Catholic primary school were complemented by Communion, Spring Harvest holidays and secular secondary schools. First communions in the Catholic tradition were accompanied by a warm welcome at communion by the congregation at John’s church.
So what to do for our 25th celebration? Divisions remain but significant progress had been made. John had received communion at mass on a number of special occasions, including the first holy communions of both children. That experience was the key for what followed (see ‘First communions in our family: a reflection’ in Interchurch Families 1996, 4,2, p.2). One lesson we learned was to prepare well in advance; we wrote to the bishop nine months before the first communion. Another was to approach the clergy as pastors, not as interpreters of laws.
So in November 1999, a year before our 25th wedding anniversary, we set about planning our silver wedding celebrations. By then John had changed his allegiance from the Church of England to the local Methodist church. This was not least because its powerful ministry had given our children, Ruth and Matthew, a clear and distinctive Christian message and they both chose to worship there.
First we talked to our Catholic priest; we discussed with him the possibility of a parallel administration of communion at a combined eucharistic service. We thought this unlikely but needed to make the case, as we have always tried to push gently but persuasively at the barriers. The atmosphere was exploratory, with no feeling of threat or challenge. Father Joe offered to give John communion at Saturday mass on the day – something we had not asked for at that point.
Next we talked with Paula, our Methodist minister. Many things are possible in the Methodist church and Paula was keen to understand the situation so that she could discuss it with Father Joe. We still hoped for a combined eucharistic service.
There followed months of gestation. Finally it became clear that the joint communion idea would not work out. We needed to be more flexible. Slowly the idea evolved of John accepting Father Joe’s invitation to take communion at Saturday mass in the morning, and then everyone attending a communion service with renewal of marriage vows at the Methodist church in the evening.
The new Methodist service book provided a framework. An order of service was drawn up and Paula discussed it with Father Joe to see whether he felt able to take part. We were delighted when he agreed to read the Gospel and lead the bidding prayers.
The day came. It was a disappointment that our children, Ruth and Matthew, did not come to mass – nothing very unusual there for 20 and 18 year olds – but the reasons are not without a positive side. At this stage in their own spiritual development they both feel unable to come to mass because of their strong evangelical commitment. Ecumenism in the Crossman family stretches many ways and we are strong in our defence of our children’s deeply held beliefs. John’s father and Margaret’s mother read during mass and John, Margaret and their parents all took communion together.
In the evening a warm welcome awaited everyone in the Methodist church. A music group of regular players with Margaret at St Patrick’s and John’s friends from the Methodist group played in a harmony that belied their lack of practice together. The church was full, with family and friends from the Anglican, Catholic and Methodist traditions and members of the Association of Interchurch Families.
Ruth and Matthew, who had led John into the Methodist way, did the Old and New Testament readings. Father Joe read the gospel. He then led an inspired set of intercessions, including prayers for unity, for the work of AIF, for those contemplating marriage, especially where differences of faith or denomination create tensions and challenges, for those whose marriage is troubled, and for all who help and support married people. Then followed the renewal of vows.
At communion the words of invitation had been very carefully chosen. In the
order of service was printed:
• All those who love and serve the Lord are welcome to receive communion
in this church.
• We recognise that for some there are reasons why they cannot accept
this invitation.
• If you would like to feel a part of the celebration do please come and
kneel at the rail and accept a blessing.
• Feel free equally to remain in your place.
Our approach gave Father Joe and Paula the opportunity to meet, discuss informally well in advance and then to get down to detail nearer the time. We believe that the trust they built up in each other helped greatly and we are deeply indebted to them for the positive and creative way in which they approached our needs. We had a wonderful day. It wasn’t all we wanted but it was a powerful expression of how we try to worship God together and of how churches can find ways forward.
John and Margaret Crossman
9.2.4